general content warning!! i can't really specify but please be aware!
Little page to make blog posts every once in a while. I'll try to format it better later.
Will be oldest at the bottom, recent at the top.
heheheh cup noodles diet coke and candy swag. found funny geometric beads during lunch too and ngl got a good amount of math hw done. going pretty good actually! tryna be more positive before the next wave of Big Sad breaks down my door and steals all my beanie baby stuffing.
today was actually pretty swag for the first time in a while! walked home (i think?) and while math hw was. a fucking pain got it done eventually and watched yt. also!! also also also wake up babe new will wood song dropped cicada days is a fucking banger just MMMMMMM. it got the mom approval too that means its GOOD. anyways got some zero cal cola just took a shower have south park on in the bg and my hat on backwards and ready to fucking party. got 5 hrs sleep last night but tbh thats not as bad as it could be. also i have a theory that the less sleep i get, the better the next day is. cuz like i can sleep in till 10 or 11 on weekends but then the day kinda sucks either emotionally or just bland or something not swag happens but when i wake up fucking crack of dawn? it isnt? idk man!!
anyways. stream cicada days or i am going to. not do anything but my spidey sense will feel you. >:-(
god damn its been only 2 days but i feel like i havent touched this page for weeks. wasn't doing so hot for the past few days and tbh not really too much today either but i started working on my rats shrine about 30 minutes ago so that made me feel a little better. ngl was kinda. overwhelmed with emptiness earlier. out of the blue. like okay i can usually expect thoughts like that and uh. bad no no action thoughts at night or so and i know its because im tired and loopy but in the middle of the day is kinda whoops. i guess since schools almost over and we arent really doing much anymore im bored like i dont have anything to stress over which is good but to be honest i dont have anything to do than school stuff. weekends have just been empty. every day is just like the other and to be honest its getting old. been like this for years ngl. but more prominent now more than ever i guess since ive finally gotten aware of it.
to be honest ngl im still alive only because im scared of the nothing after death. there doesnt seem to be any change to anything and im not hopeful for the future. part of me feels like there isnt even a future at all and im stuck like this.
bbbuuut this summer is a month of summer school and eventually comic con and watching dear evan hansen which is something to look forward to. but god damn is the rest just a whole lotta waiting. youtubes getting old and staring at vine comps all day is numbing whoops.
anyways theres a few blogish? things ive written in notes and whatever but i think some of it is too venty even for here. if i do upload it somewhere even just for like archival purposes itd prolly be hidden or under a vent warning or something.
on a more positive note im gonna try to make it a sort of resolution to ig come out about being non binary next school year. kinda late this year and home is kinda... weird about that and wont let me. be. so at school at least with friends is gonna be better i think. also! wrote some edgy ass poems for english. for poetry share day or something? im gonna regret writing it but hey at least its something and if all else fails im gonna do an analysis of some will wood song or something.
they were born and raised of memory,
something in between that held them
together as the years passed on,
life getting shorter and past fading
with each step into the future they took.
they grew further apart, and in that
time clarity lost itself. when the floorboards
ached, hearts buzzed in response to
a world they never knew but recognized
all the same. blurred halls of empty frames
were familiar to them, almost a memory
of a life before, a life beyond. a siren
that was calling out to them, breathing
life into a shell of sight and thought, though
they recognized the truth far too late, that
they had wandered and died of memory.
had a dentist appointment today. springs and rubber bands are now GONE BITCHES so thats one less thing to have to care about. all day a certain william woodson song has been stuck in my head. The Song with Five Names a.k.a. Soapbox Tao a.k.a. Checkmate Atheists! a.k.a. Neospace Government (A.K.A. You Can Never Know) is a fucking bop. might start a cult to it. anyways it might be because i didnt have as much tea as i usually do but was super fucking tired all day DESPITE going to bed earlier AND sleeping in an extra hour. ???? and ive been dissociating low key as well and why??? fucking brain yknow? also before i forget in history we played monopoly with one starting monopolist and i actually was starting to make money towards the end so!!
SO GIVE ME THAT OLD TIME RELIGION
GIVE ME THAT OLD TIME RELIGION
GIVE ME THAT OLD TIME RELIGION
ITS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME
reading back on blog post from tuesday. what the fuck happened on wednesday??? i genuinely dont rememeber??? wait ok wait i watched macdoesit and vines thats something but other than that???
edit at 946pm. god brain funky.
At lunch the tables were all taken so we sat next to the table we usually sit at and CL and M and whats her name i forgot her name fuck anyways they all started building things with sticks including a stick spider and then started stick role playing. i made a sword but it got turned into stick jesus and he died for the stick sins and the ten stick commandments including playing webkinz and stick jesus will defend you in court if you murder someone.
currently 912pm while writing. talked with therapist and to be honest was able to explain stuff i thought i wasn't able to explain but theres still a lot i can't put into words. i think i'm scared to mention it, how to be honest the main thing holding me back from wanting to i guess die is fear of what comes after. nonexistence terrifies me, but living is a lot of anxiety marching up to that point. not going to lie, but i think if i believed that there was something after whether some kind of result of current life or a true life of some sort i likely would have just said fuck it and done something. is ignorance bliss? whats the truth, is there something to move on forward to, or a definite end?
bad talk over. went to target after appointment and got some pringles and ate literally 2 whole boxes of those fuckers. am i in severe regret over my desicions? yes. will i do it again? oh yes. my motto baby, tomorrow is not gaurenteed. last thing i need is to die in my sleep and in my fleeting consiousness of dream regret on not having eaten enough corn based junk food. also i dont care. dentist said to not eat chips? fuck you! im going to eat all the chips i want! because dear children we must consume for all eternity, until we die!
Gonna be real with y'all. Been kinda wacked lately. Currently almost 10pm and mentally going hhng. But on the plus side started looping You Body My Temple - Will Wood, started listening to Camp Here and There, the works. Waiting to start my life ngl. Might flip a coin and see if its when I get into college or I'll wake up in a lab and this is all a dream matrix style or find out I'm god or something who knows.
that would be funny ngl though. Being able to wake up and be like "feeling cute might smite someone" vibes. "'Feelin' cute might start a cult who knows". anyways watched vines for the majority of the day.
I'm just gonna talk for a bit. It's currently 1018pm. Feels like twice the time today. Considered going to bed earlier but didn't. Idk. The feel mentally is like looking at liminal space photos. I like liminal spaces though, ngl. There's something comforting about them. Sure, it's empty, isolated, but you're truly alone with your thoughts. No fear that someone might intrude on that.
Last night was a blood moon. I might add a photo at some point. Anyways. It might be just because I drank... A little
too much Earl Grey tea earlier but brain is getting fuzzy again. in my defense I thought it would make me feel good.
Am I going to mention this to the therapist tomorrow? I don't know. Likely not. It's hard to talk about stuff ngl. I guess
I'm worried about people, physical people, thinking strangely of me. I'm also a little afraid of lying to myself. When people
ask I tend to be feeling not terrible, so I tend to convince myself any time other than then is negligible, despite being. Not negligible
at all. Things are weird. Life is weird. Don't call me out on using a Will Wood quote like a little drama king with the whole
Well. That's the Will Wood quote of the day. Refreshes in 24 hours.
On another note, C (name initial-ed for privacy reasons) proposed some hypothetical questions, among them being "You life is connected to the life of a tree your parents planted at your birth" and "the power to turn anything invisible for an hour, then it is erased from existence" and "god asks for your advice to implement a death to birth 1:1 ratio thing" and he said he was entertained by my responses since they were really out-there. A lot of them were ways to start cults.
So. First blog post, pretty mundane. Not much to say at the minute. Got physics test soon, planning on taking it easy today rather than stress out any more. Can't wait until it's over with though. This class has been a nightmare. After AP tests I want to work more on this site. NGL it's been the main thing I've been focussed on over anything else so I might as well enjoy it while I can.